I've been toying with the thought that GOD is so much bigger than I give GOD credit for. God is in everything, not only in, but GOD is everything. God is the good, the beautiful, the perfect, the sacred, the honest. God is also the unexplainable, the horror, the pain, the death that is in the world. God created everything, is everything, even evil is an expression of God. With that very simplified version of what I've been thinking about I started a blog with my friend and soulmate called thisiswhatgodlookslike.tumblr.com.
I won't be blogging in words for now, so if you want to check me out, look there or still at rootedwanderlust.tumblr.com. I may come back to traditional blogging, but for now I need some space between me and all that this blog contains. I pride myself on being an honest person to a fault, but for most of the last two years I was lying to myself, lying to the people around me. I was living a life that was borrowed, and like most borrowed things, it doesn't quite fit--and I knew it. Deep down I didn't want to be married, I didn't want to have children, I felt so trapped but I didn't know how to get off of the bullet train. The love expressed here is real, but so complicated. There were times I looked at my life and asked, "Is this it? Is this all there is?" I now know the world is just as vast as I remembered and I won't waste another minute pretending to be something I'm not, or want something I don't. I am going to do the hard work to live authentically, and it's not pretty. I lie, I can be mean and hurtful. I am floundering to set up boundaries with friends and family that I have never had before. If you feel cut off, it's necessary for my survival that I do things my own way. I need to feel safe and free of guilt trips for not being the doormat I was before. I will make mistakes, huge ones. I may lose things, or people, but all that is my own doing, my own decisions.
Looking back at this blog it is evident that GOD is all through the pages... and it is GOD after all who led me to where I am now. And, for that I am eternally grateful. I was spared from living a life that was not mine. Allow me, dear friends, to walk forward in the life that is all my own.
::rooted wanderlust:: searching for God in creation, in the other, in culture, and in devotion.
Missy,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty. Exploring new ways of seeing God in everything is an exciting thing. It can also be scary as we tread in new territory. I re-read your post over and over again to get a feel for where you are coming from. I understand what you are saying about boundary setting and being true to yourself. Learning how to set boundaries can be difficult when we aren't used to doing it. I wonder though if there was a possibility for patience with those who aren't familiar with what you really need/want from others.
You talked about lying to yourself, that in my opinion is the greatest interpersonal challenge. Being able to be honest with ourself. In your case, be gentle with yourself, it's not until we experience something that we know whether or not it is what we want. Doubts are part of the process of this knowing in my opinion. It may not be what you want for yourself today, but tomorrow, years from now, who knows? The pain can either be used to guide us, or become defensive against whatever caused that pain. Even a defensive move is not living authentically. It's just a reaction against pain.
I liked the pics on your new blog. I will certainly have to think about this idea that evil is an expression of God. My gut tells me that whether we call that Spirit, God, Eternal Being, Creator, Universal Mind, Infinite Mind, that evil is not part of who that Spirit is. Lately, I've been thinking of Evil as the expression of all that is without God. All that we are is good, whole, complete and that oneness with God is expressed in all that is good. It's when we actually believe we are separate from this Universal Mind, Creator, Spirit that we act in ways that are not congruent with our wholeness. That's our ability to exercise free will, but also can be expression s of all that is wrong with the world. I am just sorting all this out for myself but appreciate your thought provoking post.